Curious Jordy

I saw London, I saw France…

NB: This is a guest blog post for the fantastic fffabulous fashion blog which is currently celebrating Guy Week. This is my first post for them so I’m not entirely sure how it works, but the basic concept as far as I can tell is: one week of fashion-related posts written by dudes. Enjoy!

In my last post, I tackled a subject near and dear to everyone’s heart: love. Today, I will tackle another weighty topic that is similarly near and dear to everyone. Specifically, everyone’s crotch. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about underwear.

Men’s underwear, to be precise. Now ladies, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I love women’s underwear as much as the next guy – come on, not like that – but it’s just not my area of expertise.  What I don’t know about women (and their underwear) could fill a walk-in closet. Now, men’s underwear: that’s more my speed.  So without further ado… here’s my take on Underwear Fundamentals, now in an easy-to-digest Q&A format!

Q: Is underwear really fashion? I thought fashion had to be, you know, visible by others.

A: Good question. I guess it depends what you consider fashion. Fashion, to me, is about looking and feeling your best. It has less to do with the outer characteristics of people seeing what you’re wearing (although that’s certainly part of it), and more to do with the way you present yourself to the world. Fashion is style, and style is about attitude way more than it’s about any specific item of clothing. Don’t believe me?  Who’s got more style, you in your nattiest suit or Daniel Craig in his speedo? That’s what I thought. (Also that shot of Daniel is doubly appropriate for this post today because 1) that’s pretty much underwear, and 2) today’s the US premiere of the latest Bond film, Quantum of Solace.)

To recap: even if nobody sees your underwear, YOU know what you’re rocking. And if rocking your favorite Pepé le Pew boxers gives you the swagger in your step you need to chase down your own Penelope Pussycat, by golly, that’s fashion!

Q: What are the major options for men when it comes to underwear?

A: In increasing order of style, we have:

1. No underwear, aka “freeballin’” for the obvious reasons

Unacceptable. On all accounts. Not wearing underwear (if you’re a man) is:

  • Not stylish. Contrary to popular belief and Abercrombie/Sean Johncrotch models notwithstanding, the world does NOT want to see your junk through your clothes. Period.
  • Gross. I don’t want to have to explain this one.
  • Dangerous. Friends don’t let friends mix zippers and genitalia.

Note: if you’re a woman, not wearing underwear is acceptable, and, occasionally, encouraged.

2. Briefs

Acceptable if you are

  • under the age of 10, or
  • have a great body, a lot of confidence, and an iron will so you can shake off the heaps of ridicule you are sure to receive

I wore briefs until I was old enough to stand up to my mother and buy my own clothes. Enough said.

3. Boxers

Now we’re getting somewhere. Boxers are the Joe Plumber of the underwear world: versatile, (usually) comfortable, occasionally stylish. OK, they’re not the Joe Plumber of the underwear world, that analogy made no sense.  If anything, they’re the jack of all trades, master of none. Nobody ever got fired for wearing boxers, but it may not be the kind of thing that’s going to drive her crazy in the bedroom when you whip off your pants. Unless they’re the Pepé le Pew boxers, of course.

Can be worn with anything, except for tight pants. Dirty hipsters and eurotrash guys, take note. Looks good on any type of body. If your glutes and quads aren’t quite ready for the close inspection that briefs or boxer briefs can allow, boxers are just the thing. Not ideal for vigorous physical activity/jumping around, unless you enjoy beating yourself with your junk. In that case, highly recommended.

A special note about silk boxers: like Jennifer Lopez and doing coke, silk boxers are highly overrated. For some reason, people think these are the bee’s knees. They are not. They suck. They are uncomfortable, don’t wick anything, and give the world’s worst wedgies. The only time I ever wear my silk boxers is if the only other option is freeballin’. Avoid at all costs.

4. Boxer briefs

The pinnacle of men’s underwear evolution. The thinking man’s underwear. Comfortable, stylish, practical, and as long as you’re in relatively good shape, flattering.

Combines the best of the brief (keep your boys in order, both for jumping around and in case you get too close with your dance partner and feel a little poke coming on) with the best of the boxer (not exposing unsightly amounts of your pale thighs).

Q: What are your favorite pairs of underwear?

A: I’m so glad you asked! They’re the ones in the picture at the top of the post. Clockwise from top left:

1. Peanuts boxers. Love ‘em. Snoopy is the man. No, I don’t know why they put Charlie Brown’s face right in the middle of the crotch hole. I’d rather not think about it.

2. Perry Ellis boxer briefs. These are the ultimate “dressing up for a hot date, need to be on point” underwear. They’re understated, fit well, comfortable, classy. Who could resist?

3. H&M boxer briefs. A recent addition to the collection, purchased in Paris, and rapidly becoming an all-time favorite. Black, a little tighter than the Perry Ellis, a little shorter. They’re going to make a bigger impression. The only question is, will it be a big success or a big trainwreck? Results so far are promising: this pair triggered the first ever compliment on my underwear by a member of the opposite sex (or anyone, for that matter).

4. Pepé le Pew boxers. The myth. The legend. The French anthropomorphic skunk. Everyone’s favorite amorous Parisian polecat graces the front of this exquisite pair of boxers, as does a red heart as well as the text, “You KNOW you want me.” Put on these bad boys and immediately feel the girth of a thousand springtime trysts. (Or attempted trysts.) No, you can’t have them.